Today we had his birthday party. We had a magician – who revealed a live little dog who was shaved like a lion. We had an ice cream truck – complete with ice cream, cotton candy and popcorn. We had a silly string fight – in which I  was covered in string and all of the kids were too.  

It was a super fun day. Colby said it was the best birthday party, ever. That makes me smile.

Author Roxane Gay found the trilogy “ludicrous” but confesses she was nonetheless delighted by the reading experience, much the same way she revels in bad movies.

“The writing is terrible but it’s a story about a billionaire who falls in love with a commoner, oh my God!” says Gay, mock swooning. “I mean, this woman (James) took her fantasies and then printed them. It’s hilarious. I respect that a little bit.”

Female fans of the series have espoused Fifty for everything from the thrill of being dominated – if only in the bedroom – to the heroine’s enviable ability to change a seemingly unchangeable man.

As for the actual prose, Gay has her thoughts on that, too.

“Nobody watches porn thinking about the cinematography so I don’t know why we expect these books to uphold a literary standard,” she says. “They’ve never pretended to be anything but what they are.”

She is right on: it’s porn. Lots of people are calling it “Mommy porn” and I take offense at that, as a mom.  It’s patronizing and it demeans moms.  Of course we are sexual beings and yes we enjoy being “turned on.” Some women are saying this is a good opportunity for us to start a dialogue. As one writer said:

“Let’s stop treating it as a farce, or fluke, or heaven forbid, a dirty secret. Let’s turn the conversation into a productive one, where we’re not judging, giggling at or shaming others for their preferences, and instead, let’s approach the topic of female sexuality head on, like it deserves to be discussed – with respect, dignity, and a few less insights from Ana’s “inner goddess.”

I have to admit, reading it in the doctor’s waiting room made me feel a little dirty.  There is absolutely nothing about this book that is relatable in real life.  I suppose that is why E.L. James said she was inspired by Stephanie Meyer.  Nothing in Meyer’s books are real.  Maybe a little fantasy is good, but only in small doses.

I think too much fantasy is dangerous.  Girls who were so caught up in the Twilight series expect an Edward and can’t see the good guy standing right in front of them.  Too much of Grey will have women waiting for the billionaire, while they push away the real, live man who wants them in real life.  While I don’t think I could go for the lifestyle in the book, I’m sure there are lots of women who enjoy it, maybe.  However, it seems praise for this sort of storyline is double-talk.  The idea that women are property sets us back about 100 years.  Why would we even remotely be OK with that?

There are lots of mixed emotions about this book, but really it comes down to this: it is fiction, it is never going to happen in your (or my) life, whatever floats your boat (know what I mean?).

http://www.nbc.com/assets/video/widget/widget.html?vid=1400037

I will admit that when someone tells me I’m a good mom, my self esteem goes up a little bit…ok, a lot.  I want to be a good  great mom.  I want my time spent with them to be well spent.

When I post a picture of my kids, I want you to tell me how cute they are.

When I tell an off the wall story about something they said or did, I want you to agree with me and tell me how funny they are or how right I am.

I don’t want you to judge me harshly.  Please don’t tell me that I’m saying or doing the wrong thing.  Please just reassure me.

I promise you I’m trying to do the right thing.  I’m trying to raise my children as best I know how.  Every single time I go through a new phase or a new challenge, I’m going through it for the first time.  I’m not a professional.  I have no experience in parenting except my first person experience.  I can only tell you how I dealt with my kids at that time.

I admit it, I feel better when someone “likes” my Facebook or Twitter status about my kids.  I feel even better when they say something positive.

I’m not consumed with being a mom, I do feel there is a part of me that isn’t a mom.  I have hopes and dreams outside of my children, but let’s get real – my kids are my life, right now. Right now, at this moment in time, my kids are my life.  If I suck at being a mom, it’s my fault and my failure.

If they are good kids, I am acknowledged.

If they are bad kids, I get berated.

Don’t judge me for trying to be the best mom I can be.  Please, just tell me you understand.

No one else can be there mom, so I’m going to do my best and try to be the kind of mom they talk about when they are older.  Hopefully, they’ll talk about the fun times we had:  playing ball in the park, going to Sonic for ice cream after school, coloring together, butchering chickens…

So, please, if you don’t have something nice to say, back off and at least try to make your judgements sound nice.

I’m not so good at that. Benji told me he was sad Dad was gone because I don’t know anything about video games.  He added that I really stink at video games and that made him sad. 

I try, I really do try to get into video games.  I’m always right there, on the sidelines, watching as they find their way through Skylanders, Skyrim, Portal, The Orange Box and more.  I know why the ending of Mass Effect 3 ticked off an entire generation of gamers.  I blame everything on the fact that I once took an arrow to the knee.  When my husband puts on his microphone and gears up to kill zombies in COD, I know it’s going to be a long night.  Red Dead Redemption is one of my favorite games to watch and read about.  Killer cowboys rule.

However, if you put a controller in my hand the fun ends, for me, anyway.  I spend most of my time trying to control my person.  The person spends most of their time staring at the ceiling or running in a circle.  I can beat the crap out of Zumba or Peggle, but don’t ask me to control Captain Shepard or he’ll just look like an idiot and we can’t have that.  So, I sit on the sidelines and cheer on my boys.

We are a video game family.  They love it, they are good at it and I think it is good for them.  They learn to work as a team.  They learn to solve problems, as a team. They reach achievements.  They transfer the story lines and imaginary places into real life.  They’ve come up with their own ideas for video games and I’ve seen their imagination go into overdrive.  

No, my kids aren’t overweight. Yes, they play outdoors, a lot.  No, they aren’t overly violent.  Yes, they know the difference between real life and what’s on the screen.  Sometimes I feel the need to defend my choice to let them play video games for a few hours during the week, but I’m tired of trying to prove that the kids are OK.  

The bottom line is we love video games, the boys are great at them and they are a fun, family activity, so we’re gonna keep playing and saving the world from zombies, aliens and ghosts. You’ll want us on your side when the zombie apocalypse happens and you need somebody to save your butt.

The winner of the family pack of tickets is: Jeff Gallup.  

Jeff, send me an email and I’ll get your tickets to you.

Congrats and thanks to everyone who played along.  If you happen to be at the Friday afternoon session, we’ll be there and I’d love to meet you.

When he comes home, it is nothing like what I wished for, what I thought it would be like.  I’m not saying it is bad, it’s just not what I expected or wanted.

We are approaching a full year of him being home from a deployment.  Of course, he wasn’t home the entire time. He always has short trips for a week, or two, or three, that take him away and I’m back to parenting alone.  However, he is here, at home, part of the time.

Even before kids, when he was gone, I envisioned dinner together. In my mind we talked about our day, went to movies, hiked with the dogs. If you are a military wife, you know what I mean.  We build up so much expectation in our minds and hearts. Many times, most of the time, that expectation doesn’t happen in reality.

Last year about this time I was envisioning a dad who takes his kids to the park every day.  I saw a husband who wanted to come home every single day, talk about his day, help with dinner, with homework and go to bed with me every night. That didn’t happen.

He came home and things didn’t immediately change.  He was still on his schedule, the one from over there.  He was tired. He didn’t know how to “be” around family. He had spent his days taking care of himself and his guys.  He set his own schedule.  He only had to decide what he was going to eat.

I scheduled my life and the life of my kids.  We wake up at a certain time, had to be at school by a certain time, had dinner at 5:00 PM, bath at 6:00 PM, bed at 7:30 PM.  When he came home it was difficult for him to just jump into our schedule.

It sounds crazy, but I had to adapt to him for a while.  If he wanted to spend his day off sleeping and playing video games, I had to see that as part of his reintegration.

Don’t you hate that word: reintegration? In military life we hear it all the time. “Experts” give us their advice to give our soldiers time, give them their space, let them ease back into life as part of a family.  I’m a selfish person and I wanted my husband back. I wanted my kids to have their dad back.

I had to learn that he had to relearn how to be around kids. He had to relearn how to be a husband and a dad.  It didn’t just turn into a fairytale ending: the soldier returns from war and they lived happily ever after.  He had experiences he will probably never tell me about, I learned to be OK with that. He had to remember that we had been there all along, waiting on him to come back to us.

After a year, our life is getting back to our “normal.” He is still gone almost every month, so we still have to reintegrate constantly.  That’s our normal and I have learned from my kids how to live with that.  They have never known any different lifestyle, so I watch them for lessons on how to live life.  They tell him about everything that happened while he was gone, whether it is a week or three months.  They don’t stop living just because he is gone. They sit with him and play video games. They ask him to join their life and because he loves them he does.  They don’t even consider that because he’s gone life isn’t as good.

The bottom line is we keep living life, just as we did when he was gone.  We invite him to join our life and when he is ready, he comes back to us.

I’m not writing this to tell other military wives to just let their husbands be when they first get home.  I’m writing this to remind you that for six months or a year or two weeks, you lived your life and he lived his.  If he doesn’t just jump back into it, don’t get your feelings hurt.  If you feel he has not come back to you emotionally after a while, seek help.  There are other wives who’ve been through this and are going through it. I’ve found understanding and support for issues from “all he does is sleep” to “I’m scared of how he’ll be when he gets home” at HerWarHerVoice.

Military One Source offers all kinds of links to support and help. In a military community, you as the spouse, can seek help to keep you strong and there are professionals who can guide you toward the best choices.

Don’t lose heart just because it doesn’t get better immediately.  You may not have the spouse who left, but eventually, you’ll see pieces of them come back. They want to come back to you, sometimes they just need time.

Among the many LEGO attractions, families will find:

• LEGO Model Gallery: 40 life-sized models made entirely from LEGO bricks
• LEGO Master Builders: live demonstrations and activities from the crew who get paid to play
• Creation Nation: build your own creation to add to a custom map of the U.S.
• Race Ramps: build your own custom car, then race it down the ramp against friends and family
• LEGO Games Arena: roll the dice to play LEGO board games
• Construction Zones: creative free build, play and display areas
• LEGO DUPLO®: younger visitors can explore imagination through building
• LEGO Retail and KidsFest Marketplace: purchase LEGO merchandise and official KidsFest tour goods
• Brick Pile: a gigantic pile full of LEGO bricks for creative play and enjoyment
• Monochromatic Builds: bricks of a single color to foster group creativity
• Brickscapes: fantastic displays that combine lots of LEGO and DUPLO sets
• LEGO Universe:  become a custom LEGO Minifigure in this multiplayer online game
• And much more, covering over 150,000 square feet of space

Five sessions – all identical – are available for the April 27 – 29 tour stop.  LEGO KidsFest tickets are $20 for adults and $18 for children and can be purchased online at www.LEGOKidsFest.com. 

You can win tickets from Mothering Off the Cuff by clicking here.  I’ll announce the winner on April 13.

First, the kids are going to be fine. The kids in Mad Men do every single thing we are warned about.

• They put plastic bags on their head
• Drink out of the water hose
• Ride in a car without seat belts
• Grow up with caregivers (not their mothers)
• Watch their parents drown their unhappiness in gallons of liquor
• Inhale insane amounts of cigarette smoke
• Eat frozen and canned foods

Yet, they still grow up and only spend a small amount on therapy.  I guess my kids will be fine since I didn’t drink or smoke while pregnant with them.

They always wear seat belts.  They’ve never been with a sitter, other than a few hours.

I can now let go of the guilt that they haven’t always eaten organic foods.

I can stop comparing myself to the moms who can create Waldorf inspired playtime with a few pieces of cardboard and yarn.

I feel good when they spend half an hour playing Dance Central. I consider it quality exercise time and cultural enrichment, because the songs are old and new and in between.

So they use their iPods more than recommended by “experts.” They can navigate You Tube and Google to find the best LEGO creations for their favorite characters.

Colby can make a power point presentation that rivals most seasoned businessmen.

Benji could tell off an annoying person better than any smart-ass hipster.

My boys are going to be just fine.  They’ll eventually learn that there is an appropriate place for certain conversations.

They may be a little socially awkward, but they are cooler than every other kid I know and don’t know.

So, today, I’m celebrating that I did some things right, some things wrong, but no matter what, they are going to be fine.

We rearranged our budget, let a few things go and made it work.  Our savings looks good, all the bills are paid and we even have some left each pay period for fun.  However, I had a thought hit me tonight: There is NO Plan B. Huz isn’t going to lose his job, so that’s not a fear.  I’m a little overwhelmed with free time. I know, this isn’t really a complaint, but sometimes it is difficult to choose what to do with the free time: sewing, watching shows on NetFlix, reading, crafting, exercising, and there is always school now.

However, there is part of me that thinks a part time job would be ideal, but then I have the boys all summer and I don’t want to deal with childcare.  So, here I sit with the realization that there is no plan B.  There is going to be no job for me for a while.  Unless I get a great offer from Pinterest to check out the humor and kid’s pins for hours everyday.  A girl can dream, right?