I realize it has been a while since I last blogged and I promise you there was a very good reason for it. Take off your bra, get a drink and get ready, while I tell you ALL about it.
The last few weeks I have been reexamining my condition. If you’ll remember, I went off all my sleep meds a while back and that was super hard, but very much worth it. During the last few weeks, I have been slowly coming off my anti-anxiety medicine (Effexor) and cutting back on my drinking and other bad habits. It has been a painful and difficult process, but I believe it is the best for me, my children, my family.
I have been a Christian my entire life, I believe the Bible is true, I believe in faith and ultimately God. However, religion has taken a turn for the worst and religious leaders, i.e. pastors, teachers, spiritual gurus, etc. are for the most part only good for a limited time and should come with expiration dates. I know I’ll catch all kind of crap for this, but I have started studying Buddhism, Native American beliefs and various ideologies from around the world. I still believe in God as the one and only deity and the only way to Heaven (which I believe in). However, in my lifelong and recent studies I have found that all “religions” have a common set of “rules” and basic principles.
Buddhism’s core beliefs include: Virtue, good conduct, morality. Meditation is a way of developing one’s mind, which is the path to wisdom, which in turn leads to personal freedom. Mental development also strengthens and controls our mind; this helps us maintain good conduct. The basic principles appeal to me, the idea of clearing my mind through natural tactics instead of chemicals was what I wanted.
I am, by nature, an EXTREMELY emotional person. My husband, sisters, parents, friends, that girl in the checkout lane at 7-11 can all verify this. I cry while watching Hallmark commercials, I get angry at injustice or hurt, especially when it comes to my family, I tend to experience all emotions to the extreme. My emotions had started to control me in a bad way ad I started taking pills and using alcohol as a way to deal with it. Many people said I needed to “pray about it” or just trust God and accept the way I was. I tried that too and it didn’t work for me. I just felt like I was less of a Christian because I was that way. I felt like I was constantly being judged because I was “out of control” emotionally. The pills worked, they kept my emotions in check, good and bad and I was sedated.
I felt like I had a cloud around me, that obscured the real me from showing up and being present in MY life! It kept me from confronting the real issues I faced in my life: real life relationship issues, dealing with the kids, navigating the Army wife life, being far from family, being a SAHM who feels constant pressure to “get a career” and I could go on and on. I used the pills, the alcohol, whatever else to stop myself from having to deal with my real life.
I was never afraid of the worst, I always knew I was a strong woman, but I just did not want to really deal with what was in front of me, good or bad. A few weeks ago, I realized that I wanted to experience my life, good, bad and ugly. I began seeking out homeopathic remedies for times when I felt like ripping my husband’s head off and other tedious things. I started using oils and teas and herbs to help me sleep, calm me down, take the edge off while detoxing. It has been over a week now since I’ve had an effexor and I’m almost completely free of toxins. I feel jittery and get headaches, but I am aware of my life. I’m not saying I’ll never drink again, but I want it to be a treat, not a ritual, not a bad habit I need to cope with life.I don’t have a problem with tylenol or medicine in general, but the pills I was on were not for me, they were not helping me, they were hindering me. I thank God for sending me a beautiful friend who is going through this journey with me. She has been through this, and much worse, before and we are supporting each other to stop smoking, stop abusing alcohol, get rid of the pills and get back into our lives. She is one of the few people in my life who doesn’t judge me, who supports me and who tells me the truth, even when it hurts.
So there you go, that’s what’s been up with me for the last few weeks. It’s a bit heavy and I wasn’t sure whether to share or not, but I decided I wanted to, in case there is one woman out there who needs to hear it. I’m sure there will be times I will want to fall back on the cloud of apathy, especially when husband leaves for yet another long period of time to fulfill his obligation to the Army. However, I am remembering something I learned a long time ago, that has become my mantra: Just for today
Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.