Darkness to Light

I’ve been in a funk, a pit, a slump, a lurch, whatever you want to call it, I’m not myself. It’s not a bad thing, because I know it will end. Like the saying goes, change is the only constant.  I have no-one to blame, I’m nobody’s victim, I can’t even blame myself.  All I know is that this is me, this is who I am and this is normal.

Tomorrow may be the same and the next day and the next week, but eventually, things will change. They must change.

I recognize that this is a time in my life I’ve been through many times before. It is the period before my husband leaves for a long trip.  This one is happening in the next couple of months and will last at least six months, probably more.

I don’t feel sorry for myself, I’m just sad. I don’t want anyone to try and make me happy, because I’m happy. It is always a bittersweet time for us. I know he is doing what he loves to do, but we will miss each other.

Some days are darker than others and I just make myself aware, I journal, I cry, I sulk, I get angry, I yell at nobody.

Thankfully, the light days are better and more frequent. I owe these mostly, to my boys, and their beautiful souls.  They show me that life moves on and keeps us moving and growing and changing.

I don’t want to dismiss my feelings or deny them, as odd as it sounds, all of my feelings make me happy. you know the quote from The Unbearable Lightness of Being, “”A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person.” (Milan Kundera)

I don’t want to justify my feelings as wrong or right, they just are and that’s ok.

My feelings are the real me, they strengthen me, the come and go. When I heard this song, by The Avett Brothers, I got it. It reminded me not to get too settled, because it is all temporary. Those people who tell me to be something else, take a pill, “get over it,” “move on,” they tell me don’t tell anyone or make a scene; those people don’t get it and probably never will.

So today I will feel, deeply, the darkness and embrace it and keep looking toward that speck of light at the end of the tunnel.

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promises

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it

When nothing is old, deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage a broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream till I die and don’t ask for those bad thoughts to find me out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it

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2 thoughts on “Darkness to Light

  1. Bless you! I can’t imagine having to go without my husband for ANY amount of time! You’re a strong woman/mommy!
    I will say, I too have my ‘slumps’ and I hate it! I have found that a little sunshine goes a long way! 😉

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