Mamma Said There’ll Be Days Like This

Breast cancer sucks.

Having a double mastectomy sucks a lot.

Having another surgery to put in expanders and cadaver skin sucks a little more (but at least it’s going to help in the long run, right?).

I know that being positive and having a good attitude is a major factor in winning my battle with cancer.  HOWEVER, not everyday is a good day. Some days I want to give up. I want to cry and scream and punch something. The irony that I cannot physically punch something is not lost on me. I want to take up some form of boxing when I’m done just so I can punch something.

Today was difficult. I felt horrible and cried about almost everything.  I hate being uncomfortable and in pain. I hate having drains. I hate taking medicine that messes with my emotions. Today I wanted to give up.

But, I can’t. I can NEVER give up. I have two boys who need me immensely. I have a family that wants me to be around for a while. I have so many reasons to fight and live and be strong. 

Today I cried, a whole lot. I held a little pity party for myself. Then, I took a shower, let Ben help me put on my big girl panties, took a Percocet, and decided tomorrow will be better.  I’m going to make tomorrow better.

By the way, if you find a poster like this or similar to this, I really REALLY want it.  Remember these posters from school book fairs? Yes, I want one. Cause I’m gonna hang in there, baby.

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10 thoughts on “Mamma Said There’ll Be Days Like This

  1. Gwen, I am so sorry you are enduring this…I endured it too and there will be days like this. But they get better…24 hrs can make a huge difference. I hated having drains ~ they drain your energy, your happiness and are just a drag. But they’ll come out soon ~ I promise!
    I know that it feels awful right now…it’s ok to have a huge pity party…give yourself time to grieve, be angry, feel sad and cry…you have a right to all of that and more! Then you simply start again with a bit of optimism. I am here for you…hugs to you! xo

  2. You don’t have to be positive all the time. This does suck- more than words can say- and you have a right to your tears. It doesn’t make you weak or negative, just human. I love you so much and am so horribly sorry that this is happening to you.

  3. Hang in there Gwen! I am having surgery tomorrow morning. You are my mentor! I love your attitude and you don’t always have to be super happy. We know cancer sucks and we know that the battle is to be there for our little boys and see them grow up to be men. I am right there with you and crying when I read your posts because it takes so much to post such intimate details of such an intimate ordeal. Not to mention your post m photo, lots of guts there girl. I don’t know if I could do it!
    I hope to be back online by Weds. to hear that you are feeling better and that the percocet helped. I know that I will be on some then too. Take care of yourself and I will talk to you soon.
    Natalie

    • I’m pulling for you. Praying for a quick recovery & as little pain as possible. I can’t wait to hear good things from you.

  4. That pain. It will get better. A little bit every day. You’ll notice you can take a little deeper breath than the day before. I promise. I’ve been there. Done that. Both sides hurt like hell. Ain’t no getting around it. And when you are the momma it is so hard to lay back and let someone else take care of you. Those drains are a pain. I took to tucking them in the pockets of my shorts. And when I showred I would clothespin them to a bandana and hang it around my neck. Took me about 2 weeks before I stopped all pain meds. Was able to go to Advil by day 4 or so, with a Lortab at night to help me sleep. And this is the worst surgery. I promise. When they change out the expanders for the implants it really won’t be as bad. It’s all the stretching of the pectorals that hurt so much. Even the injection of saline wasn’t bad. It was just the initial surgery for the expanders. So I guess what I am saying is that surgically you’ve got the worst behind you.
    It’s okay to cry, kick, scream. You are human and you are going through your own personal hell. Do it alone, do it with your husband, just do it. I tried really hard not to do it in front of my kids and most of the time I was successful. You have more sisters in this fight than you will ever know.

    • Thank you for your candid talk about what’s going on. I’m feeling a little better every day. Just knowing the pain will end gives me something to look forward to.

  5. I am considering breast reconstruction having had a double mastectomy March 2012, Went for a consultation and after thought I had endured enough pain and decided against it. Now when I look in the mirror I feel so terrible about my looks. I hate the breast forms – they are extremely uncomfortable. I hate wearing a bathing suit – basically I hate the way I look and fee. I am now considering going through with it but fear the outcome. Will the pain be worth the looks? I feel you have been very strong – I am 62 and have grandchildren. I try to be active every day but lately I feel myself drifting into depression. Do you feel reconstruction was the right answer for you? any input from someone who has been through it would help. I am not a candidate for the tram-flap procedure and expander with saline injections are my only option. thank you.

    • I feel for you. It’s such a tough situation. I think the pain was nothing compared to the mastectomy and completely worth it. You have to do what is best for you. I say if you want boobs, get them! I have permanent implants and still feel down some days because I don’t have nipples and the scars seem overwhelming. However, I’m alive and healthy and that’s a good thing. Sending hugs your way and I am so thankful you’re past the hard stuff.

  6. Pingback: Slacktivism and #nomakeupselfie | Mothering Off the Cuff

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