I’m almost finished with the tough chemo. I have one dose of AC (Adriamycin & Cytoxan) left and that is happening this Thursday. It is rough stuff, but I’ve come through it with very few negative effects. I did lose all my hair, but it will grow back. One of the biggest miracles in this whole ordeal is that my immune system has not gone down at all. God knows that I live with two active boys who are germ carriers. Benji even had strep the first week of my chemo. I’m very thankful my immune system has held it together.
I will have twelve, weekly doses of Taxol, which has fewer side effects and everyone who has gone through it says it is a complete difference from the AC. I’m looking forward to nausea free days and not being so tired. After the Taxol I’ll have to take Tamoxifen, a drug that blocks the body’s ability to produce hormones. I’ll be on this wonderful drug for 5 years. If I can make it through those five year without any cancer coming back, my future looks good.
My focus is on getting through the chemo right now. My mind has been invaded with “what-if” thoughts and I’m only finding peace in God. I have been plagued with the thought of what if the cancer comes back or a new cancer grows in my body. I’ve fought so hard and if that happens I’ll be devastated.
My only peace is found in God’s word. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”(Deuteronomy 31:6)
I believe that God has plans for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11). I choose to believe that no matter what, He is in control. I have struggled throughout adulthood with the idea of why a good God wouldn’t allow bad things to happen. I’ve listened to agnostics and atheists give their opinions on why there is no God or why it doesn’t matter. In the end, I choose to believe. I don’t think we were put here at random. I don’t think we “just exist.”
I cannot explain it. I realize that many people don’t understand how Christians choose to trust. Faith is not an easy thing. However, I believe that through prayer, faith, and belief God explains things to me. He gives me an inexplainable peace. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
This peace is what gives me hope in the middle of this crazy journey through cancer. I believe God is using people all around me and experiences to keep me from giving up. There are good days and bad days, but I am sure that every single day is a gift from God. One day at a time.