Before breast cancer I was normal. I’d lost a good deal of weight, I was feeling good. Sometimes, I even felt sexy. Then breast cancer came along.
It changed everything. A double mastectomy left me with no nipples, a smaller chest, scars across my breasts and under them. The chemo actually caused me to gain about 30 pounds, made all my hair fall out, put me into early menopause. Then, it all ended. The scars from the surgeries started to heal, the chemo was over, I’m only taking one pill and that causes joint pain and impacts my ability to lose weight.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be sexy again. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see the confident person that used to be there. To be fair, I know I’ve overcome a lot. I know that it hasn’t even been a year since my diagnosis. I realize that my treatment went as smoothly as it possibly could have. However, I want some of that sexy back.
I know it is all on me. No other person can say anything that will give me back all I’ve lost. I have days where I want the scars gone and the nipples back. I want my long, curly hair back and not this short pile on my head. Who wants a broken body that actually looks like it has been pieced back together?
I’m thankful I had breasts long enough to breastfeed my children. I’m thankful that I had a successful reconstruction. My body can carry me where I need and want to go. I’m thankful I’m alive.
Some days I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole again. I’m not asking for pity, for goodness sake don’t feel sorry for me. I’ll be fine, this is just today. Tomorrow will be better.